 A Secret to Healthy Relationships: Listen for Something
New
by Relationship Fitness Coach, Denver J. Hudson
What you listen for when you interact with your spouse,
ex-spouse, or potential partner depends - for the most part - on what you think about them. The
conclusions and stories you have about the other person (and yourself, by the way) determine what you look
for and listen for in your interactions with him or her. You will look for and listen for things that
verify your story about the person. If, for example, you have concluded that your partner is lazy, then you will
SEE lazy, you will HEAR lazy, and you will be listening for evidence that supports your conclusion that "my partner
is lazy." And believe me - you'll hear it and see it!
Take a moment to think about your spouse, or the person you're dating,
or your ex-partner. What do you really think about this person? What conclusions have
you come to about this person? (Come on - be honest!) Whatever those conclusions and beliefs are, when you are
with your partner, you are listening FROM this interpretation and FOR evidence to prove it. (Take note: this is one
of the reasons that many people do not feel heard in a relationship.)
If you would like to dramatically improve your "relationship fitness"
with another person, one of the best ways to start is to imagine yourself setting aside your story of the person
and seeing them with "fresh eyes." When you do that, you can begin to listen for something new, and you
open up the space for a new possibility to emerge in the relationship!
Here are some things that you can begin to listen for that will
challenge your conclusions about the other person (and/or yourself), which will help you to transform the health of
your relationship:
-
Listen for the concerns this person is working to take care
of
-
Listen for the commitments they are working to fulfill
-
Listen for ways that they are making a contribution
-
Listen for how their magnificence is showing through in the
situation or experience
-
Listen for what you appreciate and value about this person
-
Listen for their feelings and unmet needs
Listening for these things may seem a little "weird" or
undesirable, especially if you are convinced that you already know the "truth" about the other person.
That's why it's important to first consider what you believe and have concluded about the person, and then set it
aside for the moment so that you can listen for something new. It will begin to transform your
relationship!
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