How Is Your Marriage and Love Changing Over Time? Here are Some Simple Ways to Grow Together

by Relationship Fitness Coach, Denver J. Hudson

When you got married, I'm certain you didn't think about how your marriage and love would change over time. As newlyweds, we are often caught up in the excitement of the newness of our life together, and we have visions that it will always be like this - if not better. And we think our partner will always be this spectacular and fabulous - or get even better!

And then life happens. Right? I mean, you go through life, and as you do so life goes through you... differently. You have new experiences. Meet new people. Ask new questions. You achieve material success, public recognition - and then wake up one morning wanting something different. Something deeper. Something more meaningful.

And during the living of your life, sometimes you may lose track of your partner. You may lose sight of the "YES!" that you were for your partner when you got married, and the "YES!" that you were for the life you committed to live together. As you may have realized, you are not the person NOW that you were 5, 10, or 15 years ago.

As you change, your love for your partner changes. And this can be a very beautiful thing... or a very frightening thing. Perhaps your love deepens and becomes stronger and you continue to be best friends and passionate lovers. Or perhaps it dries up. And you find your love lessens, the passion fades, and you begin to doubt. There are many variations of love over a lifetime. And as you change, your love changes and so does your marriage.

This is not a bad thing. This is LIFE. This is the life of love. The life of a marriage. And sometimes - or perhaps most of the time - you forget that. You forget that how love is expressed will change. You forget that your partner will change... that YOU will change. That your marriage will change.

Perhaps you forget, or you don't notice, because you lose touch. You lose touch with yourself and you lose touch with your partner. Busy schedules, career ambitions, chasing the latest technology... all these distractions can cause you to not notice and honor the many ways that you, your partner, and your marriage are changing.

When you made a commitment on your wedding day, you made a commitment from who you were and who your partner was at the time you got married. You didn't know - nor could you know - who your partner would become as a result of being married to you... or as a result of his or her life experiences... or as a result of growing older. You just couldn't know that. And neither could your partner. And that is what makes being in a committed relationship so dynamic over time. We can only truly see this moment, and the rest is speculation.

What can you and your spouse do about all of this? Stay in touch. Slow down. Notice each other. Talk to each other. Make getting to know each other as you are today a priority. Talk about the life you want to create together from this moment forward. See your partner as a human being moving through time, just like you are - with their own fears, doubts, aspirations, dreams, hopes... See your partner for who they were when you met them, who they are right now, and who they can become. They are a miracle. An unfolding. And so are you.

I do hope that the passage of time has been good for you, your partner, your love, and your marriage. Sometimes we want to get back to the way it used to be, when it was new, fresh and exciting. And yet we forget that it can be that way NOW. It's just going to be a different kind of newness and excitement. It's going to be a different kind of love. A different form of your marriage. But what's different now is that you can intentionally create it using the wisdom of your years.

Your love can mature, deepen, and blossom into something new. Something that is much more exciting than the day you got married. But you have to allow your love and marriage to evolve. You have to not be afraid of the change that is happening. You see, you and your partner are not a victim of change or time, you are an expression of it. And so is your love and your marriage.

One thing that I like about growing older and changing is that I get more intentional about my life. I want to invite you to do that with your marriage. This is what life invites us into as we get older: to wake up from our youth and to live and love more consciously and intentionally. If you've been married for awhile and are finding it less than satisfying, you can turn it around. You can stand together and intentionally create a new story together. A story of who you want to be for each other NOW. A story about how you will love each other now. And a new story about the life you wish to create together from this moment forward.

And if you need some support in making that happen, please contact me at 812.236.5780. I offer marriage-enriching coaching services and education to committed couples who want to strengthen, deepen, or even totally transform their marriage.

How has your love and marriage changed over time?