Why Do Men Cheat? And Once They Cheat, Will They Always Cheat?

by Relationship Fitness Coach, Denver J. Hudson

Are you in a relationship with a man who has cheated on you? Are you struggling to rebuild the trust between you and your partner? If so, then you've probably asked yourself more than once, Why do men cheat, and if they cheat once, will they always cheat? 

In looking at why men (or women) cheat, there are a variety of factors to consider: (1) the individual, (2) the quality of the relationship, and (3) the environmental/cultural dynamics that are impacting the individual and the relationship. 

One of the biggest reasons men cheat is that they get bored with the relationship. "Settling down" - although desired by many - can actually be the beginning of the end for many relationships, as routine replaces intimacy and connection. Cheating provides excitement, mystery, and something different - an escape from the boring routine of the committed relationship. 

In addition to boredom, another factor that can contribute to cheating is the lack of need fulfillment in the relationship. A man needs to feel appreciated and respected by his woman and if he does not feel that way, he may seek it in the "newness" of a new romantic adventure. Boredom and a lack of need fulfillment can easily make the eyes and heart wonder outside the committed relationship. 

When you understand that boredom and lack of need fulfillment can lead men to cheat, some of the alternatives naturally present themselves: (1) work together to keep the relationship exciting and dynamic, and (2) talk about and understand the needs that each of you have and how you prefer they be fulfilled. It’s important to understand that both the man and the woman create the conditions that lead to cheating; rarely is it just the “fault” of one partner.

Another individual factor is a man's ability to remain committed during a challenging time of the relationship. Being in a long-term, committed relationship means that there are going to be passages in life where things are less than desirable. If one or both of you do not have the skills and capacities to effectively address these times, it’s possible that you’ll look for relief and resolution outside of the relationship. 

For example, if your way of relating to each other does not include a lot of healthy relating patterns, then when challenges come, your communication may break down, proving inadequate to handle the new reality that you find yourself in. If the communication and connection is weak in a relationship, the man (or woman) could seek support and listening in someone outside the committed relationship, leading to an affair. Men and woman both seek a strong connection in life, even though they may seek connection for different reasons. In my work, I speak about the "energetic connection" between a man and woman. If that connection is weak or not present, either partner may seek it elsewhere. For example, if the woman's primary energetic/emotional connection is with her children and not her partner (very common), he will feel that emotional disconnection. And over time, he will seek an energetic connection somewhere else - with work, with things (like cars), with a hobby … or with another woman, thus the cheating. (As a side note, energetic connections create IDENTITY; if the man does not have a strong identity in the relationship, he will seek it elsewhere.)

A third factor is the cultural factor. We live in a consumer-oriented culture. New, exciting, and often stimulating things are being introduced in the market every day. In addition to new, exciting products, we are also being constantly bombarded with advertisements and messages that promote beauty and sexuality. If a man becomes dissatisfied in the relationship, he may become more enticed and attentive to the world outside of the relationship - a world full of those sexy ads and messages. This can ignite a passion within him that is expressed through an affair. As mentioned earlier, this is often an attempt to feel more alive, to escape the boredom of a routine way of life that is no longer exciting, and to feel a strong emotional connection with someone or something.

Will he "always" cheat after the first time? I wouldn't say that. I see that as an individual matter. There is no "always" in the matter of relationships. I would say it is more likely that he would cheat again if that becomes his primary way of creating excitement and connection in his life. For some men and some relationships it's a wake up call that leads them to seeking help in enhancing and enriching their relationship, restoring that connection and challenging them to create a variety and excitement in their relationship. For others, they may become addicted to the excitement of a new relationship and repeat the pattern over and over again. But I don't see it as an "always." 

One of the greatest challenges after cheating has occurred is that of TRUST. Even if your partner apologizes and you forgive, can you really trust your partner going forward? (By the way, they’ll probably be thinking the same thing: “Can I trust myself?”) Trust is one of the most challenging things to rebuild once it has been broken, but it is possible and it does take time.

Rebuilding trust will involve effort from both of you. Your partner will have to earn your trust again. They will have to prove that they are sincere (their actions match their words), competent (capable of doing what they say they'll do), reliable (can manage the making and keeping of promises), and involved (interested in your concerns as well as their own). You'll have to offer the same to your partner while also extending trust in advance - meaning that you have to create the space in your relationship in which your partner can show up as trustworthy. For many - after their partner has cheated - they see their partner as untrustworthy, therefore behave toward them as one who is untrustworthy, pushing them further away emotionally (maintaining a weak energetic connection) which makes it easier for them to repeat the cheating actions. Again, both partners have a role in rebuilding trust.

One way of looking at rebuilding trust is that both of you are reestablishing the energetic/emotional connection between you - allowing yourselves to gradually give more and more of your emotional energy to the other. Some of the things that make this difficult after cheating is your tendency to focus more on "me" instead of "we." You might become more guarded, more defensive, and more controlling toward your partner ("I'll trust you only if you do this...") You don't want to be hurt again, so you start protecting yourself. Taking this guarded, control-oriented position in the relationship will make rebuilding trust impossible. Yes, it's important to have boundaries (even in a healthy relationship) - so have boundaries - but have them as a way of being strong in re-establishing the "we" of your relationship, not as protective mechanism that snuffs out trust.

Another aspect of rebuilding trust is creating and living into a new vision for the relationship that is bigger and more powerful than the cheating incident. In other words, you'll have to turn yourselves toward the creation of new future together, instead of trying to fix or change the past. You can't simply go back to the way things were, because things won't be that way again. And even if you could go back, you would be going back to the conditions that supported the cheating in the first place. You will have to work to reinvent the way that you relate to each other, and central to that is being mindful of how you are perceiving each other. This includes how you are holding each other in your mind and heart, how you are caring for each other's dignity, and how you are seeing the future you are living into together. 

There is the possibility that you will not ultimately trust your partner again. If so, you will have to consider the cost to you of being in a relationship where trust does not exist. Is this something you want to live with? How does that impact who you are, who you are becoming and how you relate to your partner? How is this impacting your life and what is possible for both you and your partner? For some, the cost is too high and they decide to end the relationship. 

Obviously, what I’ve shared here is merely scratching the surface of an issue that is complex and in some ways mysterious. As a coach, the work I do with committed couples involves teaching and coaching them on ways to create a healthy, dynamic relationship and life together. The stronger and healthier each of you are and the ways that you relate to each other, the less likely that cheating will occur or re-occur in your relationship. And if you have ended a relationship and have gotten a divorce or separated, then it’s important to learn about the patterns in relationships that create conditions that make cheating more likely. I invite you to check out my Divorce Recovery Fitness Program, designed to help you learn from your experience, optimize your whole-person health, reinvent your life, find love again, and create a healthy, dynamic life together. 

I welcome your questions and feedback about this article.